Swept Away (2002)

Guy Ritchie has had a somewhat odd career. Chances are you've seen Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch, both of which are amazing. He followed that up with Revolver, which kind of sucked, and most recently put out RockNRolla, which wasn't that bad, really. He also directed the upcoming Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downey Jr., which I'm nervously excited for. Hopefully it'll put Ritchie back on top.

The Guy Ritchie film that isn't usually talked about is Swept Away, incredibly made between Snatch and Revolver. It's a remake of the 1974 Italian film called Swept Away by an Unusual Destiny in the Blue Sea of August. Ritchie's version stars his wife Madonna as the female lead, and Adriano Giannini in the same role his father Giancarlo Giannini played in the original.



We begin with some pretty solid opening credits. It introduces some of the characters, is visually interesting, and well-edited (one of Ritchie's strengths). What we have is a group of rich people, including Amber (Madonna) and her husband, about to go on a boat cruise.

If you like gap-toothed women, you'll love this movie! Actually you'll probably still hate it.

When they get to the dock, it's established right away that Madonna's character is a complete bitch and that Madonna is a terrible actor. She doesn't want to get on the yacht because she thinks it's a piece of junk (I don't know what kind of boat she's used to but I thought it looked pretty spiffy). At least there's a gym, she says. Madonna and her party, which includes Elizabeth Banks, get on the boat. Banks is hot and awesome as always.

Now we're introduced to the other main character, Italian fisherman Giuseppe, who Madonna hilariously calls “Pee-Pee”. Right away she asks for him to show her the gym. “Ah yes, right away!” he responds, and brings her back an exercise bike and a jump rope. Wuh-oh! She gets mad and yells at him and whatnot.

During dinner, Elizabeth Banks lays some pipe by delivering the line “This is a really good idea, a trip from Italy to Greece! Just imagine all the deserted islands along the way.” Well now, that was awfully expository.

Ladies and gentlemen, Elizabeth Banks, the best part of the movie. Actually... the face that other girl's making is pretty awesome too. Best SINGLE FRAME frame of the movie, right here.

They go swimming, all except Madonna who sits in the boat under an umbrella and insults Giuseppe. The audience, at this point, hates Madonna and loves the funny little Italian fisherman. He sounds like Mario! He's mostly polite and good-natured around Madonna, but when he's out of her sight he makes remarks to the boat crew like “I'm going to kill that fucking bitch with a kitchen knife!” At one point she overhears him and asks the captain, “Did one of your crew members just swear in front of me?” The captain, thinking on his feet as captains do, plays it off like “fuking” is the name of a fish, because saying “I'm going to kill that fish bitch with a kitchen knife!” is okay. She responds, in one of the strangest lines in the movie, “I don't care if it's fuking, puking, or a fucking kung fu king! I want fish and I want it tonight!”

Madonna continues to be a bitch, Giuseppe continues to fulfill her every request. There's a truly satisfying dream sequence where Madonna complains that the fish is bad, and Giuseppe says, “Well, if you don't want to EAT it, you must want to WEAR it!” And he dumps it on her head. She gripes and complains and then he picks her up and throws her overboard, proclaiming himself in charge of the boat.

The other best part of the movie, and my computer wallpaper.

Of course, you know what kind of movie this is, so it's pretty obvious that SOMETHING or other's going to happen and they'll fall in love, right? Hope I didn't give anything away there.

Later, Madonna's drunk on the boat and bumps into Giuseppe in the hall. He's carrying a huge fish. She asks to dance with him, and he says “I don't wanna dance with people I don't like.” OH SNAP!

You want to dance, eh? What do you think, Mr Fish? Do you think I should dance with her? What's that, Mr Fish? Why, I think you're right, she DOES have a gap in her teeth.

The next day, Madonna wants to go visit the caves. Giuseppe warns her that the caves are far away, there's a strong current, it's getting late, etc. Madonna still wants to go. They get on the boat, Giuseppe warning her that it's a bad idea the entire time. Madonna asks if he's scared, he says something like, “Scared? Woman, I was conceived on a boat and born on a boat, there's no wave or storm that frightens me.” Predictably, the boat breaks down midway through this line. Try as he might, Giuseppe can't start it up again.

Guy Ritchie: “Could you look a little more worried, love?” Madonna: “Shut up! I'm the material girl!” Guy Ritchie: “Righty ho then.”

There's some very nice wide shots of the dinghy in the water, and day fades into night. Again, the movie looks great, the colour of the water is perfect and the camera moves well. You can probably tell from these stills that this ain't no Cheerleader Ninjas. Anyway, some boring stuff happens, the days pass, Madonna shoots the dinghy with a flare gun and then they find land. Civilization! ...or is it?

Nope, it's a deserted island. “It's a deserted island,” Giuseppe tells Madonna, who says “That's impossible, you idiot. It's not 1492.” They have a fight, she calls him a “dirty black midget,” he calls her a “whore”, they part ways. This is followed by a little montage of them trying to survive on the island. Giuseppe makes a spear gun out of wood, finds a little shack, fills a coke bottle with fresh water from a waterfall, and picks berries while Madonna gets hurt, falls down, and sticks her tongue into a rock crevasse to catch some tiny drips of water.

PAN UP to reveal GIUSEPPE relieving himself on the top of the rock pile, drinking from his coke bottle. He points at the camera and winks. GIUSEPPE: Live on the COKE side of life!

So, Madonna's hungry and tired while Giuseppe's having an awesome time. He's eating some fish that he caught, sitting in the shade and chuckling to himself. Madonna moans, “Give me some fucking fish you scumbag!”

I'll mention now that, for all my complaining, the movie so far hasn't been terrible. The cinematography and editing is very nice, and that alone makes it pretty watchable. It's brought down by Madonna's terrible acting and some unnatural dialogue, but honestly I didn't really mind it. It seems just like any other terrible romantic comedy.

So back to the action. Madonna asks the scumbag for some fucking fish. Then, he slaps her across the face and she stumbles back. Whoa there! That was a little weird. At first I expected it to be another dream sequence, but nope.

SLAP!

From this point on the relationship between Madonna and Giuseppe changes to that of master and slave. Giuseppe makes some rules:

1. Don't insult Giuseppe
2. Giuseppe's the boss
3. If you want Giuseppe's fishes, you have to EARN them!
4. Wash Giuseppe's clothes (here Giuseppe strips naked, hands Madonna his clothes)
5. The plural form of "fish" is now "fishes" (seriously)
6. You have to call Giuseppe "Master."

At first, Madonna doesn't want to be a part of this, but then he slaps her again and she reluctantly goes and washes his clothes for him.

Look at that badass, he doesn't give a SHIT about proper pluralization!

Giuseppe's now waited on hand and foot. He gives a small amount of food to Madonna, but he's a huge asshole to her as well. He spends a lot of time slapping her around and kicking her until she falls over. She spends a lot of time curled in a ball, crying softly to herself. It's uncomfortable to watch, and probably has no place in a romantic comedy, which I thought this was supposed to be. The only thing that makes watching it a little bit easier is Madonna's terrible acting, so, good casting, I guess.

At one point he forces Madonna to sing and dance for a meal. This goes into a dream sequence where Madonna lip-synchs to “Come on-a my house” in front of a band.

This would probably be more entertaining and glamourous if it wasn't a metaphor of a physically abused woman being forced to sing and dance for some raw fish to eat

So I guess she gets some food or something, but anyway, the next day Madonna's on her hands and knees cleaning the grill Giuseppe uses to cook fish on. Then, out of nowhere, Giuseppe says “Show me your tits, now!” and kicks her in the stomach. “Help! Help!” Madonna cries as Giuseppe attacks her. “Shout, shout! Who's going to help you, idiot!” Madonna kicks him in the balls and runs off. He chases her, tackles her to the ground, rips her clothes off. She screams and screams, calling him a pig and a rapist. He kisses her and asks her to beg him for sex. She eventually does, and at that point he says “No! Only when we fall in love!” and gets up and walks away, leaving Madonna to lay in the sand and cry. It's fucked up.

Quickest way to ruin a rom-com: rape scene. Or, cast Madonna

After the rape scene, slow, romantic piano music plays. Shots of a crying Madonna fade into shots of a regretful Giuseppe. Then, the montage shifts to show Madonna going up to Giuseppe and kissing his feet, then the two having sex on the beach, in Giuseppe's shack, in the forest, everywhere. Madonna is so happy! Giuseppe remarks, “Dear Mrs Amber, you have never looked so happy on the yacht.” The audience feels physically ill.

Indeed, Madonna does seem to prefer this life. A yacht (maybe even THE yacht) sails by close to the island, and she crouches for cover so she can keep living with lovable ol' Giuseppe McRapeypants.

“Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll direct your attention to the right you'll see Madonna hiding behind a bush. A common sighting in the Mediterranean.”

That night, Madonna and Giuseppe sit around a campfire. Madonna's sad because she thinks Giuseppe longs for a younger woman. He says no. Still, Madonna can't help but think that they never would have ended up together if they weren't stranded on an island (which is pretty obvious, really). Later, the two find some alcohol, drink it, and play charades.

Not again!

They laugh and have fun acting out Charlie Chaplin, Jesus Christ, and a flapping penguin. The next day, Madonna tells Giuseppe she loves him. He doesn't say it back.

Though he doesn't slap her around as much anymore, Giuseppe is still a dick. One day Madonna surprises him by catching him an octopus. Angrily, he says “I catch the fishes around here, you cook them!” and throws the perfectly good octopus on the floor.

One day, a yacht arrives offshore. Giuseppe goes to catch its attention, but Madonna says “Let's hide! I love you!” Giuseppe responds, “I need proof.” So he runs out into the sea, yelling and waving.

That's him on the shore there, see?

They get on the boat. The movie cuts to Madonna hugging her old husband. Giuseppe's there, too. He looks sad and walks away. The husbands friend gives Giuseppe a literal bag full of money. Giuseppe spends it all on a wedding ring for Madonna, then he gives her a call.

Giuseppe: I love you, I am yours, I always will be!”
Madonna: “I love you too my darling, I love you more than life.”

They arrange for Giuseppe to come up with a plan, write that plan on a note, and give Madonna the note and she'll do what it says. Through a series of Shakespearean-style-letter-mix-up circumstances, they both end up believing that the other betrayed them. Madonna flies off in a helicopter with her husband, Giuseppe chases after her and tries to throw his ring at the helicopter (real smart move there, buddy). The ring falls into the sea. The camera follows the falling ring as the credits roll.

Kind of a depressing ending, but any sadness is far outweighed by the relief that the movie's over.

Swept Away is a terrible movie. It's hard to feel sympathy for Madonna's character, and even harder to laugh at a rapist. This should have been a romantic comedy between Elizabeth Banks and Jason Statham. Hey now, that's a pretty awesome idea. ARE YOU LISTENING, HOLLYWOOD?

Numbers out of ten:

Acting: 5
Madonna was awful, but the other actors weren't bad. I'll give it a 5 because Madonna shared one of the only two parts for most of the movie.
Directing: 7
The directing was fine. As I've said, most of the performances were fairly well brought out, and the shots and editing were excellent.
Dialogue: 6
Not bad either. Pretty standard dialogue for this type of movie.
Plot: 2
You'd have to be a fool to think this is a good plot. I haven't seen the original, but Guy Ritchie wrote the script for this one. I think there would have been a better way to have them fall in love than through Stockholm Syndrome.
Entertainment: 2
Right up until the slap I would have given it about a five. It wasn't a great movie but it wasn't terrible. Once the abuse started the movie was just embarrassing to watch. It's certainly not “so-bad-it's-good” either.

TOTAL: 44%

It is kind of interesting as a film, if only to show that even a great director can make a terrible movie. If you want to learn that lesson, though, watch Revolver, there's no rape and it even has Jason Statham.

Bonus Fun Fact!: Madonna's character is named Amber Leighton, which is the name of Sigmund Ritchie's real life mother. Wait, I meant to say GUY Ritchie.