I've often thought that any anecdote about a cute kid is actually an anecdote about a STUPID kid. "The other day I told little Timmy to put on some pants, but he thought I said to eat some ants! So he went out into the backyard and stuffed his face into an anthill like he was at a pie-eating contest!" "Ha ha! Yeah, kids are idiots."
Yes, kids are pretty dumb. For this reason, Hollywood studios have exactly zero incentive to make children's movies anything but stupid. The rule, as far as I can tell, is that if you're a good writer, you either want to make movies for adults or you work at Pixar. Why bother making a great piece of cinema if only a bunch of mouth-breathing kids are going to see it? There's no good reason.
It is with this in mind that we must approach Zoom: Academy for Super Heroes, a near-effortless production if there ever was one. Join me after the jump for an in-depth review.
Zoom, or as I like to call it, "The movie that made me hate Smash Mouth," begins with a quick animated montage briefly outlining the adventures of a superhero group called the "Zenith Team." Apparently there was a team of superheroes, one of them, named Concussion, turned evil and killed the rest of them except one- Zoom, his brother. Zoom managed to kill Concussion but he lost his powers in the process.
The terrible Smash Mouth song which accompanied the montage fades clumsily into a John Williamsian film score. A helicopter flies by a mountain. Movie title:
Great landscape choice. Looks like a close up of a turd.
Inside the mountain there is a secret laboratory- area 52. Rip Torn, army general, talks to Chevy Chase, scientist. Chevy helpfully explains that "We've been tracking a pan-dimensional anomaly that seems to be moving toward our time/ space continuum!" Rip Torn snarkily responds "Dr. Grant, I speak Greek, not GEEK!" Note that this is the first joke of the movie. If you're surprised, remind yourself that this is a children's movie.
So remember that bad guy who died in the opening scene, Concussion? He's not actually dead it turns out! There's a picture of him on a giant screen in this secret lab, and a timer indicating how long it will be before he bursts through the pan-dimensional anomaly back into existence- 13 days.
Spent all our government money on this giant screen, didn't have any left over for small screens for the lab scientists.
A lot of movies, particularly action movies, have computers that aren't real (Like B:EvS), but this is one of the worst examples I can recall. How does this technology work? How do they know exactly when this guy is supposed to reappear? Why is the screen arranged in such a way, with half of it devoted to a portrait of Concussion? And what's with "Status: Inactive"? Has anyone in Hollywood ever even SEEN a computer? Oy vey.
And so we cut to America's sweetheart, Tim Allen, who plays Zoom. He puts some bananas and some chocolate into a bowl, looks around to be sure he's alone, and his finger begins to vibrate rapidly, emitting a loud buzzing sound. He puts his finger into the bowl and blends himself a little smoothie. Note: At no point in the movie is there a joke about Tim Allen's vibrating dildo finger. Not once. It's like cancelling Christmas.
I hope he washed his hands. That vibrating finger's probably seen its share of places. And by places I mean vaginas.
Out a nearby window, Tim Allen sees an attractive girl and immediately stops fingerblasting his smoothie. This woman is Courtney Cox, attractive and clumsy psychiatrist from Area 52. This part of the movie is confusing and stupid, so I'll explain it as best as I can.
Courtney Cox puts her hand up to her ear and says "Okay, he sees me, go NOW." A car screeches around the corner. Although Courtney is standing on the sidewalk, totally out of the car's path, Tim yells out "Hey lady! There's a car coming!" Thanks, man! AFTER he yells out at her, Courtney starts walking across the road, but she slips and falls after about two and a half steps and is not remotely close to the car when it passes. Even though all that happens was she fell on her ass, Tim helps her up and walks her into his house. Out of nowhere, Chevy and some other scientists appear- I guess they were in the car? Chevy explains that they need his help at Area 52 but won't say why. Then he pulls out a gun. Courtney is worried and hits the gun so it points at the ceiling, but Chevy accidentally shoots it and a tranquilizer dart ricochets off the ceiling and hits Tim, who falls asleep.
Four things:
1. What was the point of the fake woman-narrowly-escapes-being-hit-by-car thing? It didn't work, why didn't she just walk up to him?
2. Why did she have to go first? Why couldn't they all have just gone at once? He wasn't upset to see them, didn't try to run or anything.
3. Why didn't Chevy Chase tell Courtney Cox about his plan to shoot Tim with a dart?
4. Why wasn't there a joke about Tim Allen's superfinger?
We now go to the movie's second montage, also set to a terrible Smash Mouth song. This one's a montage about a bunch of kids in regular society who have superpowers. There's a little girl who can lift up a truck, a fat kid who can cause his own butt to grow many times its size, a teenage boy who can become invisible, and a girl who uses telekinesis to throw food at some cheerleaders. Biff from Back to the Future has a tiny cameo in one of these quick segments.
At least he didn't get Parkinson's disease.
Tim Allen wakes up in Area 52. His new job is to interview kids with super powers, see who gets to be part of the Academy and who doesn't. This is depicted through the use of the movie's third montage, and its second montage in less than three minutes. It is accompanied musically by yet another terrible Smash Mouth song.
The four kids we've already been introduced to are the only ones accepted- Fatboy, Strongirl, Invisiboy, and Telekinetigirl. Not much of an academy if you ask me. Invisiboy hits on Telekinetigirl, setting up one of the movie's terrible romances.
Before you can blink, though, we're in for ANOTHER MONTAGE. It's a training montage, the kids are using their powers but they aren't that good yet. Strongirl throws some stuff around, Telekinetigirl makes some skittles fly around, Invisiboy tries to turn an apple invisible, and Fatboy presses Tim Allen against a pane of glass with what is implied to be a greatly expanded ballsack.
Also a great metaphor for Tim Allen's career.
Throughout all of this, Tim Allen is less than enthusiastic about teaching the kids anything. He's actually a huge asshole, effectively telling the kids there's no point, they'll die unhappy, and cutting them down any chance he gets. Courtney Cox asks him why he isn't doing a better job teaching the kids, to which he responds for some inconceivable reason "What are you, bipolar?" What?
So the next day Tim Allen grabs the kids out of bed in the middle of the night and takes them into this huge room with a flying saucer in it. He loads the kids into it, teaches them how to use it, and they all fly off to the local Wendy's for some delicious product placement.
That reminds me, I want to eat a Frosty.
Even though they stole a huge alien spaceship, presumably considered a high breach of security at Area 52, the scientists don't even find out until they see a news report with footage of the saucer at the Wendy's (and a guy who theorizes that the ship is powered by ice cream). They don't even care that much- though Tim Allen gets a bit of a scolding the scientists seem generally willing to just chalk it up to Tim Allen being a lovable goofball (especially since he brought Courtney Cox a hot chicken sandwich so she can eat great, even late).
Guess what folks? Time for still another montage! This one's another training one, accompanied by a Smash Mouth cover of "Under Pressure." Never watch this movie. Never watch this movie.
Invisiboy gets mad at the scientists and walks out of one of the training exercises. They place him in solitary confinement. Seems a bit harsh- I forget, are they in jail or at an Academy for Superheroes? Anyway, Tim Allen goes to him and they have a heartwarming talk. Tim Allen teaches Invisiboy to close his eyes and "see" places that he's not in with his mind ("It's called 'MINDSIGHT'). Invisiboy uses it to look inside Telekinetigirl's room. She's in there dancing. Tim Allen tells him that he has to be the leader of the group (though this never really happens in the movie). Invisiboy asks about the old Zenith Team, and Tim Allen explains that Concussion killed all of them, including his girlfriend. Invisiboy somehow guesses that Concussion is Tim Allen's brother. I thought he was just invisible, what's with all these mind powers all of a sudden?
On that dark note, we go into ANOTHER MONTAGE of all the characters sitting around looking sad. Why anyone but Tim Allen and Invisiboy (the only ones involved in the previous sad scene) would be depressed is beyond me. The music for this one? "Superman" by Five for Fighting, which, while not technically a terrible Smash Mouth Song or even a terrible song at all, is still unbelievably cheesy in this context.
After this sad montage, we find ourselves in a classroom with the kids. Where's Tim Allen? He hasn't shown up yet. Maybe he's still depressed from the last montage. People start talking about how they've lost faith in Tim Allen. Then he appears, happy as ever, leading into ANOTHER TRAINING MONTAGE BECAUSE THIS MOVIE IS THE DEVIL. Music: "The middle" by Jimmy Eat World.
So now Chevy and Rip are standing in the desert looking at a bad special effect, which is the trans-dimensional anomaly through which Concussion is set to emerge in only 48 hours. Chevy says he has a plan: while the kids distract Concussion, he'll ensnare him in a sonic net. Rip asks, "Is that the only option?" Chevy says "Well, if [Tim Allen] still had his powers, his speed could create a mega-vortex, which could trap Concussion and reverse the dark effects of the gamma rays."
Jeepers, the writers of this movie sure know a lot about science!
This is an example truly terrible writing. Tim Allen DOESN'T have powers, right? But this statement by Chevy would only be in the movie if Tim Allen was going to get his powers back, and was going to be able to use them after the sonic net fails. All tension has been lost. It is absolutely true that if this scene wasn't in the movie, the movie would be better.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, there's a "prom" for the four students of the academy. The three romantic pairs have awkward flirty moments- Invisiboy compliments Telekinetigirl's dress, Tim Allen asks Courtney Cox to dance, and Strongirl dances with a robot.
Rip shows up- "PARTY'S OVER!" He sends everyone to their rooms. Tim Allen sneaks into their room and wakes them up. "Where are we going?" "Somewhere the cameras won't see us," Tim responds. After they were easily able to steal a spaceship, though, Area 52's security has lost a lot of its credibility anyway.
In the super secret room Tim Allen finds, they give themselves superhero names which I will not repeat here because I prefer my names. Then they put their hands together. Invisiboy says, "Now we're a team." Tim corrects him by yelping "Now we're a FAMILY!"
Zenith team, more like Nadir team ha ha ha ha ha ha
Right after this little hand-touch, Invisiboy's mindsight goes off and he finds out that they're being trained to kill Concussion. He tells Tim Allen, who's PISSED. So... I guess he didn't know that his brother was coming back from the dead? Okay... The reason he's mad is because he doesn't think the kids should be allowed to fight Concussion because they'll probably die. Fair enough, they're just kids, and Concussion was able to take out almost an entire Zenith Team who were older and more experienced. After voicing his displeasure to Rip Torn, he gets thrown in solitary confinement.
As the kids are marching down the hall to fight Concussion, Courtney Cox saves the day by blowing all the guards and letting the kids run free. Haha, not like that, silly. Like this:
Would you believe they didn't make a "Courtney Cox blew everyone" joke?
So they all escape from the guards and then bust Tim Allen out of jail. Then they steal the spaceship so they can go... fight Concussion together? WHAT THE FUCK THIS MOVIE MAKES NO SENSE.
The fight with Concussion is somehow the worst part of the movie. Bear in mind that, from the films very first scene, we've been periodically cutting back to a timer showing when this ultra nemesis is going to show up. It's what the kids have been training for, what everything's been building to. This is how it goes down.
Tim Allen goes to talk to him, but it's no use. Concussion blasts him with "concussive waves," which throw him back but don't seem to really hurt him. Chevy Chase throws the sonic net at Concussion, but it misses. Wuh-oh!
Concussion says to Tim Allen "I hope you've got an army behind you." Out of nowhere, the superhero kids appear. "Or a little girl with pigtails," quips Concussion. Strongirl runs at Conky in anger, and he shoots a concussive blast at her.
JUST THEN Tim Allen gets his superpowers back, and runs at Strongirl, knocking her out of the way of the blast. She's okay.
At this point, all the dramatic tension is OFFICIALLY DEAD, thanks to the earlier scene where Chevy Chase told us that Tim Allen would be able to use his powers to save the day.
Tim Allen then saves the day- with the help of his kids, of course! Make sure there are no sharp objects nearby as you read how they do it:
Invisiboy turns invisible and sneaks up on Concussion, pushing him into Fatboy, who pumps out his stomach, shooting Concussion into the air. Strongirl rips a huge metal beam out of the ground (they are in the middle of the desert for fuck's sake) and swings it at Concussion, who flies toward Tim Allen's SUPER VORTEX. But- oh no! It looks like he's going to narrowly miss the vortex! Luckily, Courtney Cox blows him and he flies into the vortex. Fuck this movie.
This whole climax, which was built up and built up over the movie, lasts only a couple minutes. It's close to the worst thing ever, but not as bad as what happens next:
Concussion, if you'll recall, murdered the original Zenith Team, including Tim Allen's girlfriend. The supervortex does not kill him. It makes him into a good guy. After he comes out of the vortex (which is just a big tornado), everyone's happy and he actually JOINS the Zenith team. Tim Allen doesn't seem to care about his old team of superheroes. Fuck this movie.
Guess what's next? If you guessed a montage, you're right. The movie ends with a montage of the kids being reintegrated into society. But I thought they were part of a team, nay, a FAMILY? Nope, they've all moved back in with their parents and lead totally separate lives. Fuck this movie.
-So many plot points show up once just so they can pay off at the end. Invisiboy's mindsight power is introduced in the middle of the movie, ONCE, and used once at the end, just so Tim Allen can find out about Concussion. The spaceship is set up during the Wendy's trip, and used at the end only as a way to get to the bad guy. The idea of Tim Allen creating a super vortex is mentioned, and then he does it at the end to save the day. Horrible, horrible writing.
-I didn't really get into this, but Courtney Cox is supposed to be a mega nerd. She wears huge glasses and collects comic books in five different languages, never taking them out of their plastic sleeves. Oh, is that what a comic book nerd looks like? Fuck you, Hollywood.
-Tim Allen really is a terrible actor. With 154 credits on imdb as of today, it's hard to imagine why he's kept at this game for so long- he must have enough money to just quit show business. Love of the craft maybe? In trouble with the mob?
-The montages. I would propose as a general rule that one montage is the maximum that can be allowed in a movie- it's a useful technique but it quickly becomes irritating, and this is less a film than a series of pointless montages strung together by overwhelmingly meaningless scenes. This movie does for montages what Battlefield Earth did for canted angles.
-I didn't hate Smash Mouth before I watched this. I think I've probably only heard "All Star" before, which I have fond memories of. It makes me think of grade five for some reason. But after the onslaught of terrible music I suffered through at the hands of Smash Mouth, particularly the "Under pressure" cover, I can say with feeling that I now hate Smash Mouth.
Children's movies have their apologists- "It's a kid's movie and it's good for what it is!" "My kids love it, that's all that matters!" I probably would have liked this when I was a kid. That's because I was an idiot. And so's your kid, and so were you when you were a kid.
Numbers out of ten:
Acting: 4
Terrible acting all around. Rip Torn and Chev chase stumble through this movie, not really caring, and everyone else just seems to suck completely. 4 points for the guy at the Wendy's drive thru.
Directing: 2
Continuity errors, three shots with boom mics visible, fifteen thousand montages. Fuck this movie.
Dialogue: 3
"I can speak Greek, not geek!" Terrible dialogue delivered by terrible actors.
Plot: 1
It has the worst pacing of any movie I can think of.
Entertainment: 2
Not even going to give this one a chance. So unentertaining it's actually painful.
TOTAL: 24%
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