Sunday, December 20, 2009

Opening this weekend


The weekend's basically over! But here's what already just came out:

Avatar: James Cameron. What a guy. If you haven't read his epic New Yorker article or the story about how he almost drowned, do that right now. If you don't want to go see this movie afterwards, you and I probably aren't going to get along.

Did You Hear About the Morgans?: Starring the British guy you probably hate and the ugly girl from Sex and the City (solid show). I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this movie isn't going to do well. Some might blame Avatar for opening on the same day, but in all truthfulness, movies with no appeal don't do well no matter what else comes out at the same time.

Limited Release:

Nine: Pros: It's a musical version of Fellini's excellent 8 1/2 starring Daniel Day-Lewis. Cons: From the director of Chicago... with Kate Hudson. You should still probably see it.

Crazy Heart: Jeff "The Dude" Bridges as a country singer with a dark past. Iunno, looks all right.

Okay cool, I'll see you on Monday and we'll look at how things turned out.


Posted by hoorayforme at 3:26 AM 0 comments
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Thai just can't wait: Hangover 2 news?


One of the funniest movies to come out over the past year, The Hangover, is obviously in talks right now for a sequel. A source close to the project is reported to have said "I think this is a great idea. I can't foresee any way a sequel to a movie with such a perfect, self-contained close-ended plot could be anything but equal to the original. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some microwaves to put my head in."
According to some douche with a secret identity, the sequel will take place in Thailand, a country so ripe for frat-boy comedic material that it's a wonder nobody's thought of it before now.
Some fun facts about Thailand:
  • The capital and largest city of Thailand is Bangkok.
  • David Carradine, legendary Kung-Fu actor, was found dead in a hotel room in Bangkok. He had a rope around his neck and his penis, and was wearing fishnet stockings.
  • Thailand experienced major economic growth between 1985 and 1995, and is today considered an industrialized nation, the main industry being tourism.
  • The average age for a Thai prostitute is 14. The average age.
  • Hence the expression "Tight like a Thai hooker," or as the bastardization you probably know, "Tight like a tiger."
HA HA HA! Statutory rape.
Posted by hoorayforme at 3:03 AM 0 comments
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Monday, October 5, 2009

HEYOOOOOOO


Awesome Enemy of the State review. "You've murdered your ex-girlfriend in cold blood, so there!" Click to enlarge.

Hey what, where have I been for the last over a month? Not on the internet apparently. Actually, I've been at school, which is taking up a lot more of my schedule than I remembered. So, without further ado, here's my new structure for this site.

Fridays: I'll post what's new in theatres.

Mondays: I'll post what did well over the weekend.

Wednesdays: An item of film news.

Whenever I want: some links i guess, movie reviews

All right! Have fun with that, bitches!

In other news, I just noticed that Jesse Eisenburg was in movie called Adventureland and now he's in a movie called Zombieland, but I'm too lazy to turn that into a joke, so there it is.

Surprise video after the jump? Sure.

Seth Green, who I sometimes refer to affectionately as "The single redeeming factor of Family Guy," flipped out on a security guy. What an asshole! Well, from what I can figure out, the security guy was supposed to be watching some expensive camera equipment and it got stolen. So it's pretty justified. No Christian Bale here.

Still, it's pretty sadistically entertaining to watch a little guy like Seth Green scream at some big security guard.
Posted by hoorayforme at 3:55 PM 0 comments
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Thursday, August 27, 2009

some links i guess: presented by Li'l Trooper

Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?

We're back with another exciting installment of some links i guess. How this works is, I put up some links and you go to them. A lot of them won't have anything to do with film, but suck it.
Thanks to ctrlalt_dance for finding most of these.

Surprise video after the jump!

I'm going off to school tomorrow so here's this.



Took me forever to find one that will embed because Asher Roth is trying to get people to forget about this song. TOO BAD FOR HIM!
Posted by hoorayforme at 8:57 PM 0 comments
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Inglourious Basterds Reviouw

I'll talk! I'll tell you where the Nazis are! Just don't make me watch Hostel 2!

Yeah, it's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I probably liked this movie more than Pulp Fiction. Probably.

There was just so much to love about it. What you get is a solid two and a half hours of pure Tarantino.

The dialogue, for instance: QT's often praised for being an excellent writer of dialogue, and I'm sure he is. To be honest though, I've found much of his dialogue, while interesting, to be a little unnatural. That's not how Inglourious Basterds is. The characters are brought to life, and there's not a lot of suspension of disbelief as far as the actual written lines go. Tarantino's trademark fucked up situations are there, only this time we're in Nazi-occupied France so the stakes have been raised. There's the popculture and film references, though this time they're to some obscure German directors (oh yeah I like Pabst too... he's the beer guy, right?). And of course, there's the Tarantino ultraviolence- a lot of people die in this film, including at least one person whose death I'm sure you won't see coming.

QT-pie is always able to really draw out performance, and the actors do a great job, particularly Christoph Waltz. Jesus! Where did that guy come from? Seriously what else has he been in? Best supporting for sure.

Did anybody else spot the Harvey Keitel cameo? Or the Kill Bill musical recycling? Or the fact that Hitler responds to the killing of the Allies in the film-within-the-film (which was, incidentally, directed by Eli Roth) in the exact same we (or at least I) respond to the brutal Nazi killing in Inglourious Basterds itself? There's a million little details in this movie and I'm going to buy this on DVD the second it drops. Oh, I'm going to buy it. I'm going to buy it so hard.

Complaints? I came up with a few but I had to really think about it. For one there wasn't enough Nazi killing. The Basterds get a few short scenes and an amazing ending, but they're not in there for too long- I could have easily watched Brad Pitt and his Jewish buddies kill Nazis for four hours straight. Though I suppose that wanting to have an actual plot shouldn't be complained about. Another complaint was that Samm Levine, one of the funniest guy from Freaks and Geeks, had maybe one line. It's a shame, that guy was awesome. Third complaint: Mike Myers and his fake accent had one embarrassing scene, which thankfully ended before it got annoying.

Go see it, it will kick your brain in the balls. If you don't like it you're probably a gnat-see.

links:

Inglourious Basterds comic (read it before or after you see the movie, it's all good)

http://www.playboy.com/articles/inglourious-basterds/

Inglourious plumbers:



Samm Levine on Rejected Jokes:
Posted by hoorayforme at 5:29 PM 2 comments
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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Zombieland has a new trailer



I await Zombieland with considerable trepidation. I mean, I'm all for killing zombies and it looks like there's a good deal of that in this movie. But for one thing, I'm not a huge fan of Jesse Eisenberg and, from this trailer anyway, it looks like the movie is going to centre around him and his Michael Cera impression. Also, I'd like to say that I liked this movie a lot better when it was British and had Simon Pegg in it.

On the other hand, zombie headsplosions. And Bill Murray has an undead cameo. Why is life so difficult?
Posted by hoorayforme at 5:36 AM 0 comments
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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Sounds like a devil of good time, GOULET

"And then it turns out the air... was bent all along! WHAT! I know, it's awesome."

So I guess M Night Shyamalamadingdong, a director who usually shoots his films pretty close to Philadelphia, is making a movie in Toronto, Canada. That's pretty cool. I've liked all the M Night Shyamalan films I've seen generally a lot better than most people. I even enjoyed Lady in the Water, which was pretty widely hated. I haven't seen The Happening, but whatever, I'm sure it's not that bad.

Devil is a supernatural thriller. Or as Eli Roth likes to say, a horror film. It's co-written by the guy that wrote 30 Days of Night which would have been pretty good were it not for Josh Hartnett's faux six-packs-a-day smoker voice overs.

Teaser trailer for M. Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender after the jump.





It's based on a popular Nickelodeon show. Hey, remember Ren and Stimpy?

Edit: some jerk won't let me embed this.
Posted by hoorayforme at 3:30 PM 0 comments
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Monday, August 24, 2009

There's been a murder... IN YOUR MIND



The first trailer for Inception dropped today. Christopher Nolan, who directed Batman Begins and The Dark Knight as well as Following and Memento, is set to do another batman sequel after this one's out of the way. Which is fine with me, The Dark Knight was easily the best Batman movie ever made.

Inception is about a CEO involved in some kind of blackmailing scandal, like "Give me money or I'll tell everyone that you fight people in zero gravity hallways."
Posted by hoorayforme at 12:28 PM 0 comments
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Another week at the box office

Concept art from my upcoming screenplay, "The Box Office Success".

It shouldn't surprise anyone to learn that Inglourious Basterds made the box office its bitch this weekend, because that's the movie that I told everyone to go see.

Quentin Tarantino's misspelled war epic made back more than half of its $70 million budget, stomping District 9 down into second place (which has already made its budget back a few times over, so don't worry). The Time Traveler's Wife took third place, despite the fact that Rachel McAdams* gave the entire plot away during her daily show appearance.

Not everything was sunshine, lollipops and nahtsee scalps, however. A lot of people are for some reason still paying actual money to see GI JOE, and it seems like Canadians are too dumb to figure out the ugly truth about The Ugly Truth, which is that it's a piece of shit. Tarantino's best buddy Robert Rodriguez' new movie, Shorts, took seventh place. OUCH.

Full lists after the jump.

*who lived in the same residence as I did

Top 20 Movies in Canada - Weekend of Aug 21, 2009

this
week		last
week		Titlestudioweekend
gross **		total
gross **		total
weeks
1-Inglourious BasterdsAlliance$3.48M$3.48M1
21District 9Columbia$2.18M$8.42M2
32The Time Traveler's WifeAlliance$988,512$4.02M2
43G.I. JOE: The Rise of CobraParamount$892,756$9.49M3
54Julie & JuliaColumbia$714,682$4.88M3
65The Ugly TruthColumbia$443,135$11.74M5
7-ShortsWarner Bros.$426,311$426,3111
88Extreme MovieWalt Disney$400,238$9.27M5
96Harry Potter and the Half-Blood PrinceWarner Bros.$374,840$29.31M6
107The Goods: Live Hard. Sell Hard.Paramount Vantage$294,010$1.2M2
11-ÉléphantsFox Searchlight$255,107$255,1071
1217Father and GunsAlliance Vivafilm$147,176$6.01M7
1311Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs20th Century Fox$133,949$19.26M7
1412PonyoWalt Disney$123,033$429,3302
15-Les pieds dans le videTVA$108,689$441,3412
169Funny PeopleUniversal$107,067$5.26M4
1716(500) Days of SummerFox Searchlight$103,888$1.25M6
18-Under the Sea 3DWarner Bros.$90,790$3.81M28
1914ShortsWarner Bros.$87,268$24.8M12
2019Sticky FingersAlliance Vivafilm$84,151$1.05M4

**CAD


On the off chance that you're American and can still afford to see movies:

Top 10 Movies in North America - Weekend of Aug 21, 2009

this
week		last
week		Titlestudioweekend
gross ***		total
gross ***		total
weeks
1-Inglourious BasterdsWeinstein$37.6M$37.6M1
21District 9Columbia$18.9M$73.49M2
32G.I. JOE: The Rise of CobraParamount$12.5M$120.53M3
43The Time Traveler's WifeNew Line$10.03M$37.45M2
54Julie & JuliaColumbia$9M$592.88M3
6-ShortsWarner Bros.$6.6M$6.6M1
75G-ForceWalt Disney$4.21M$107.32M5
87Harry Potter and the Half-Blood PrinceWarner Bros.$3.52M$290.28M6
98The Ugly TruthColumbia$2.85M$82.89M5
10-Post GradFox Searchlight$2.8M$2.8M1

***USD


via tribute.ca
Posted by hoorayforme at 10:09 AM 0 comments
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Saturday, August 22, 2009

some links i guess: presented by Michael Bay and the Explosiongirls

Michael Bay taking a few minutes to reflect on life's simpler pleasures, like Wulong tea or children's laughter.

We're back with another exciting installment of some links i guess. How this works is, I put up some links and you go to them. A lot of them won't have anything to do with film, but suck it.
Surprise video after the jump!

This, not Clerks, is the funniest video Kevin Smith has ever made. Just watch.


And everything checks out on imdb, so it's almost DEFINITELY a true story.
Posted by hoorayforme at 6:31 PM 0 comments
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What already opened this weekend

Stop looking at me like that, Eli. No, not you, Brad, you just keep doing what you're doing.

I think in the future I'm going to try and make one of these posts every Friday, unfortunately last night I was sobbing on the floor of a public bathroom covered in my own vomit while I should have been blogging, but what can you do eh? Here we go:


Inglourious Basterds: I'm going to see this bad boy on Tuesday so expect a review. Based on everything I've heard it's pretty good. If you like Tarantino, you'll probably like it. If you don't like Tarantino you're probably either ignorant or trying too hard to be edgy.

Shorts: Tarantino BFF Robert Rodriguez' new movie. Don't expect it to be anything like Planet Terror, this one's for kids. It has a pretty solid cast including William H Macy, John Cryer, and Leslie Mann. Take the kids! Otherwise you can honestly probably just wait for the DVD.

Post Grad: MAN does this look stupid. "Ryden Melby had life ALL PLANNED OUT. Graduate from College, get a job, start a family. But when her worst enemy takes the job she was hoping for, Ryden will be forced to *RECORD SCRATCH* MOVE BACK IN WITH HER FAMILY!" And somewhere along the line she's likely going to fall in love. Seeing this instead of Inglourious Basterds is a god damn travesty. On the other hand, I haven't seen it, it could be good. On the other other hand, it definitely won't be.

Limited release:

World's Greatest Dad: Two reasons you should see this if you can: It's Robin William's best role in years, and it was directed by some guy named Bobcat Goldthwait. SICK BALLS.

PLEASE NOTE: If you haven't seen District 9 yet that takes priority.
Posted by hoorayforme at 5:58 PM 1 comments
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Friday, August 21, 2009

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000)


Battlefield Earth was scientology's answer to The Ten Commandments. It was a pet project of John Travolta's, a movie based on an L. Ron Hubbard book. No studio wanted to make it because of the link to Scientology- no studio but Franchise Pictures, that is. It was filmed in Quebec, Canada, for around $45 million.

What we ended up with was a two hour long piece of shit, completely unwatchable and impressive only in that such a horrible thing was able to have been made.

Battlefield Earth starts with a Star Wars like crawl explaining the story this far, not surprising since director Roger Christian worked as a second unit director for The Phantom Menace.

It's kind of like Star Wars, only green and stupid.

The humans are almost wiped out, and aliens called Psyclos have enslaved them. There's a few humans living in little primitive tribes here and there but they're mostly enslaved. The Psyclos call humans “man-animals”.

We go now to one of the aforementioned tribes.

A girl is worried because her boyfriend hasn't come home, he's outside of the little fortress where they stay inside to be safe. He went to get medicine for his father. Some old guy (either her father or a priest) tells her that he's probably dead, so don't worry about it. She won't accept that answer obviously. Then, he shows up- he's alive! But his father died while he was gone. He says, “No! NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

So that night all the tribe is sitting around a fire and this guy, who's named Jonnie Goodboy Tyler, complains that he doesn't believe in the gods that his tribe is always talking about. The old guy from the beginning is mad that Goodboy doesn't believe in gods, so Goodboy decides to go out on a hunt to see if he can find proof either way. Before he goes, his girlfriend gives him a necklace that she says his mother gave to him before she died. What? I thought his father just died? I guess she's been holding onto this necklace for a while. She says to make sure that it, and he, come back in one piece. *loads chamber*

So Goodboy gets on a horse and fucks off to the wilderness. Out of nowhere his horse flips him off and he lands next to a giant statue of a dragon, which at first he thinks is real so he hacks and slashes it for a while.

The dragon symbolizes that the rest of the movie is going to just drag on. Haha.

Once he realizes it's obviously just a big rock, he laughs and says to noone in particular “so YOU'RE the beast we're all afraid of.”

Some assholes with spears show up and are about to kill him. Then he offers them some dead rabbits to eat and they decide to show him proof of the gods.

Their proof of the gods is the one and only cool part of the movie. They take him to an abandoned city, overgrown with plants. Goodboy's two new friends explain that the giant statues were gods who the other gods didn't like and so were turned to stone, while mannequins were people turned to stone by the gods. They go to an abandoned mall, it's kind of interesting to see Goodboy, who's been living his entire life in a wild tribe, discover modern day things like glass windows.

They make a bonfire in the mall. One of the assholes, completely unprovoked, says “Where I come from a good woman is hard to find. So if you were stupid enough to leave one behind, why don't you tell me where she is so I can find her for myelf?” Goodboy gets pissed and tried to strangle this guy. All of a sudden, an alien shows up and grabs all three and puts them in a cage on the bottom of a flying alien ship thing.

I'll mention now that 90% of the shots in this movie are canted. It's annoying as hell.

So this ship takes him to a futuristic alien city underneath a glass pyramid. Notice that we've gone from a stone age environment, to the remains of the modern age, to a technologically advanced futuristic environment. Oh boy oh boy!

When they land, the humans can't breathe. The Psyclos give them stupid looking little spaghetti strings to stick in their nose, and then they are able to breathe. A title on the screen informs us that we're now in “Human Processing Centre- Denver.”

Goodboy picks up a gun, the aliens seem unconcerned. Then he shoots and kills one of them and runs like hell, but bumps into John Travolta, who picks him up by the neck and carries him back.

They should never have hired the camera operator with the one short leg.

Apparently, no man-animal EVER has figured out how to use a gun. John Travolta laughs. The aliens, at first, spoke in some kind of grunting language, and then there's a horrible cut and they speak English. We hear the aliens in English, but the humans can't understand them, and they can't understand the humans. John Travolta's accent fluctuates between an American and a British one the entire movie, but I guess it's okay since he's not speaking English at all.

Goodboy is taken to the jails where he's washed down. A Psyclo takes his mother's necklace and destroys it. He doesn't seem that upset by this and the necklace is never again mentioned. Then why include it? Oh yeah, because this movie is stupid.

Some Psyclo asshole shows up and meets with John Travolta. They talk about how much they hate man-animals and laugh a lot. There's a meeting with JT, this new guy, and a bunch of other Psyclos. Watch it here, I'm sure as hell not explaining it.


Yes, that is Forest Whitaker.

Yeah so Travolta's pissed about having to stay on Earth forever. He immediately goes out and starts drinking some cups of green alcohol that he calls “Pans”. I hope that's not a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster reference from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Meanwhile, aliens pour some gunk into the cages where Goodboy is. Goodboy beats the shit out of a guy and teaches the other humans to share, something they've never thought of. A recurring theme in BE:ASOTY3K is that Goodboy is smarter and better than anybody on Earth at everything, and everybody else is a big idiot.

Later, all the humans are walking through the city chained together. Suddenly, things start exploding. Goodboy grabs a chunk of something that just blew up and uses it to break his shackles, then he starts running away.

Did the camera operator just get fillings on one side of his mouth?

John Travolta is busy being a dick to Forest Whitaker. He tricks him into saying something incriminating and records it so he can show use Forest as a patsy in his evil plan. I am not going to describe John Travolta's evil plan, because it's not important to the movie.

Meanwhile, Goodboy is in a place he can't breathe so he jumps into a pipe and winds up in the sewers, where he CAN breathe. Good job man!

I cant stand this cinematography.

Somehow, John Travolta and Forest meet up with Goodboy in the sewers, even though they weren't in the sewers when we last saw them and they weren't even chasing after Goodboy. They decide that Goodboy is pretty smart and would probably be good at mining, so they take him to a mine.

When he gets to the mine, instead of picking up an axe and digging for gold like all the other humans, he goes straight for the computer that's set up right by the miners. John Travolta realizes that this man-animal is actually pretty smart and decides to teach him everything ever. He picks Goodboy up and straps him in a chair where knowledge is beamed into his head.

Just too much Dutch.

Goodboy learns mathematics (which he calls “The unifying language of the universe”), the principles of composition and design (if only HE had shot this movie), how to fly alien ships, and how to speak the Psyclo language.

CUT TO! His old girlfriend back in the camp. His horse trots into the tribe's lair without him, so she gets on her own horse and goes after him, not before that old guy tries to discourage her. “Hope is an admirable emotion, but foolishness is not.” “I'm not a child anymore! I believe he is alive!” *cocks pistol*

AND WE'RE BACK! Goodboy has used his new knowledge to break into to alien's weapons storage and he's given all the miners guns. They try to rise up and kill John and Forest, but it turns out the guns aren't loaded.

All the sets were built on the side of hill.

WHOOPS! John Travolta beats him up a little, then Travolta growls, “I think it's time that we show our little friend here a thing or two.” FIELD TRIP!

John Travolta takes Goodboy to the remains of the White House an explains that when the Psyclos attacked, the entire war lasted only nine minutes. The humans were utterly demolished and made into slaves. Wow, kind of crazy. He says to Goodboy, “Look at anything you wnt- BECAUSE NOTHING CAN HELP YOU!” Goodboy finds the Declaration of Independance and reads it, nodding in agreement with the founding fathers. It's stupid.

Then John Travolta takes a bunch of humans to a field in the middle of nowhere to watch him shoot cows. While he's got his back turned, a human tackles him and they all gang up on the fallen Psyclo, pointing a spear at him. He's as good as dead.

Sometimes the Psyclos have five fingers, sometimes six. Here, John Travolta has five.

While John Travolta's down, Goodboy riles up all the other troops ad convinces them that the best way to eventually escape is to let John Travolta capture them again so he can go back to the knowledge machine an learn more. They agree. So they let John Trvolta up and he immediately takes control of them again. So why did they push him down in the first place? Because this movie is stupid.

Travolta reveals to Goodboy that the Psyclos have captured his girlfriend, then they kill one of Goodboy's friends. Then they go back to Denver.

Back in jail, everyone hears about how Goodboy can speak Psyclone and starts freaking out with happiness. The Psyclos don't know what's going on.

Was the camera itself just too heavy?

Meanwhile, John Travolta gets an alien hooker to lick him all over his fully clothed body with her gigantic tongue. No, really.

Hey, remember Pulp Fiction? That was a good movie.

So then John Travolta drops Goodboy off in the middle of nowhere and tells him to mine a bunch of gold and bring it back in some timeframe. Goodboy read somewhere back at the White house that there's a bunch of gold in Valley Forge. So instead of mining, they go to Valley forge and get all the gold they need. They spend the rest of the time training for Goodboy's complex and brilliant plan to defeat the Psyclos and restore freedom to all the humans. It boils down to:

1.Blow up the glass pyramid with all the Psyclos inside it.
2.Blow up planet Psyclon.

TRAINING MONTAGE. The humans (who are all primitive, totally uneducated wildmen) learn how to pilot F-16s in one day. It's stupid.

Meanwhile, Forest Whitaker has made an incriminating tape of him own of John Travolta talking about his evil plan, which, again, I'm not going to get into. John Travolta shoots off Forest Whitaker's hand. Forest is pretty unconcerned about the whole thing.

Everyone on this set was likely drunk, the entire time.

So now Blondie's back at the prison, even though he's supposed to still be mining. He lets all the humans free and gives everyone guns and rocket launchers.

There's a giant uprising. Things explode everywhere. The explosions aren't the fiery kind, they're more just dust, like when you clap chalkbrushes together. In any case, the humans do pretty well with thousand year old weapons and it's hard to believe that the war between them and the Psyclos lasted only nine minutes because they're doing pretty well.

Right as they're about to blow up the pyramid (which everyone in the movie calls a dome), John Travolta appears and just fucks up everyone's day as usual. The explosives don't manage to destroy the entire dome, so the one guy crashes his ship into it, but it doesn't work. He looks over and sees a bunch of barrels labeled “FUEL”, so he shoots them with a bazooka and the dome finally collapses.

This man's horrible journey is finally over. The audience still has a half hour left.

I'll sum up the next sequence by saying that huge chunks of glass fall everywhere, all the Psylos die and all the humans live.

Well, John and Forest are still alive. Goodboy fights with John Travolta, giving his friend the opportunity to sneak into the teleporter with the bomb, teleport to Psylon, and blow it up (scrificing his own life). Goodboy explodes John Travolta's arm. John Travolta looks at his smoking arm socket with disapproval.

It's just a flesh wound.

EPILOGUE: The humans are back on top. What's this, though? John Travolta is still alive! Imprisoned in a cage surrounded by gold.

Straight up, every shot is canted and it makes the movie look retarded.

Ironically surrounded by the very thing that he tried to attain! Hoho! Goodboy comes by and taunts Travolta for a bit. Suddenly, Travolta laughs and says “There's one thing you man-animals weren't smart enough to figure out. Kill them!” Everyone spins around and there's Forest Whitaker with a gun in his hand! He walks up to Goodboy- and hands him the gun, saying “I fixed the problem with this gun. It works now.” Because he's now their technology expert, you see! *puts barrel up to head*

THE END, directed by Roger Christian.

Numbers out of ten:

Acting: 1
While there are some actors I liked in it, like John Travolta (yes) and Forest Whitaker, nobody has done anything close to a passable job. The shifting accents, the odd noises everyone makes, nothing Oscar worthy here. If I were Forest I'd be pretty embarrassed right now.
Directing: 0
Hoho! The director is an idiot. Everything he knows about moviemaking he learned on the set of The Phantom Menace. This movie has too many canted angles, repulsive editing and awkward jump cuts, long series of close ups, and bizarre performances from actors otherwise proven to be talented. Never watch this movie.
Dialogue: 4
It's bad but it's not the worst I've ever seen.
Plot: 0
It's hard to believe that anyone liked this as a book. Religion can make smart people do stupid things.
Entertainment: 0
I want to give this a negative score. This movie didn't entertain me at all, it just made me angry.

Total: 10%

The Psyclos are the lamest aliens I can recall. They're humans with yellow teeth, yellow eyes, big disgusting beehive dreadlocks, stupid facial hair, enormous crotch bulges and giant boots. Oh, and they have gross hands that change digit amounts shot to shot. John Travolta's voice is too high pitched and wimpy to sell him at all as an antagonist. The plot is overly complicated and assumes that the audience gives a shit. I was bored as hell the entire time. Every time I paused to take a screenshot, I'd find myself a couple of minutes later surfing the web, and I'd force myself to keep watching. If I wasn't writing this review there's no way in hell I would have watched the entire thing.

I'd like to say that everyone involved in this movie is an asshole. It's a movie by assholes, about assholes, for assholes. I will never watch it again. It was one of the most unpleasant two hours of my life.
Posted by hoorayforme at 5:21 AM 0 comments
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Thursday, August 20, 2009

Animators make good directors

No wonder you've got no money left, America! Stop making shitty movies!*

District 9 was a good movie. It was directed by a guy who did a lot of 3D animation before he got to sit in the director's chair. But guess what? It's not the only movie by a former animator. Apparently there's quite a bit of crossover. Par example:

Extract



Office Space, director Mike Judge's first film, is among my favourite movies of all time and definitely on my desert island top ten picks. His followup, Idiocracy, was a Swiftian masterpiece that I think a lot of people mistake for fart joke movie. Whatever, those people are prolly 'tarded and all faggy or sumpm. Above is the trailer for Extract which is set to be released September 4th (HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOSS!).

Mike Judge, as you probably know, actually started out in animation. He was the creator of Beavis and Butt-head and King of the Hill, and Office Space was even based off of some SNL shorts he did about Milton, Stephen Root's character.

Mike Judge isn't the greatest animator. None of his animations are going to win any awards. However, good animation isn't really a requirement for a good animated show- it just has to be entertaining. Judge's experience making animations seems to have given him the chops he needed to pull off a good live action film. Either that or he was just always good, and he could have done Office Space a lot earlier in his career.

Legion (that's the red band trailer holmes, enjoy)



This trailer came out a little while ago and from what I've read people don't know what to think of it. It's distributed by Screen Gems, and the release date is January 22 2010, a month notorious for bad movies. I for one am pumped beyond belief for this bad boy. Burn baby burn!

Turns out that Scott Stewart's directing. Who? Scott Stewart is the co-founder of The Orphanage, who have a pretty impressive resume of CGI work (before today I would have sworn that they also did Frank Darabont's The Mist and Guillermo Del Toro's Pan's Labyrinth, but maybe that's not true). Legion's special effects are definitely in The Orphanage's style, which is a good thing, and the performances look pretty good too. Wait... did Dennis Quaid just die? In the trailer?

The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus



I almost forgot to mention Terry Gilliam, a former member of Monty Python. His cut-and-paste style of animation gave birth to South Park and all forms of Animutation. After Monty Python shit the bed, Terry Gilliam became a feature film director, with films like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, The Fisher King, and the superb Brazil to his name.

Imaginarium is coming out this Christmas. It's the last film we're going to see with Heath Ledger in it, who died during filmmaking. Gilliam completed the unfilmed scenes with Heath's character using not one but three different actors: Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell. Looks pretty weird.

Outland

Michael Davis directed Monster Man, one of my favourite horror films, and some low budget teen romantic comedies. To pitch his first Hollywood big budget feature, a script called Shoot 'em up, he created a fifteen minute long animatic- all the action sequences shot for shot. Michael Davis is an experienced animator, often using animations instead of storyboards to plan out the action scenes. The satiric nature of Shoot 'em Up was, like Idiocracy, lost on a few audiences. Too bad, it was a great film and I highly recommend it. Paul Giamatti: "Fuck me Sideways."

He hasn't made a movie since but it's possible he'll be doing a remake of the 1981 film Outland which starred Sean Connery.

Michael Davis once said that "having been a storyteller, having been an illustrator, being an animator, I feel that creating a motion picture is the ultimate art form, that it combines all of the things that I like to do." This is one of my favourite quotes and probably one of the reasons why I'm interested in films today. I think it sums up why animators make good directors- the sense of composition, of images, storytelling technique and the importance of motion are all skills that become honed by animating.

And hey, in case you were wondering I do a bit of animation myself. Check it.

*I should mention that GI Joe and The Simpsons made all of their money back and can't really be considered failures. It's just interesting how much more money is spent on inferior movies.
Posted by hoorayforme at 4:16 PM 1 comments
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The other trailer that came out today



Some old movie remade by Jumanji director Joe Johnson. Benicio del Toro is a werewolf. Anthony Hopkins is his dad. Hugo Weaving's in there somewhere too. Looks awesome. Oh right, it's called The Wolf Man or something. Those transforming effects were pretty cool, which is the best way to judge a werewolf movie. I saw a vampire movie a while ago where they just jumped in the air, there was a flash of light, and BAM, they were a wolf (NO PUN INTENDED!). Lame. Anyway, I'm actually maybe a bit more pumped for this than Avatar.

What do you mean there's no dildo tie in?
Posted by hoorayforme at 2:30 PM 0 comments
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Of course this exists

The very thing Stephanie Meyer should have kept inside of HER can now be kept inside of YOU!

Sorry for all these Twilight posts but this is hilarious. Tantus, Incorporated, everyone's favourite sex toy emporium, has released the perfect gift for the Twihard in your life. It's called The Vamp (link NSFW) and it's got just about everything. Some awesome quotes from the description:
  • Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience. ["Your skin is ice cold..."]
  • We promise this vamp won't be the only thing coming for you in the night.
  • with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow.
  • don't save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle. [Is this good advice?]
  • reminiscent of the new moon's glow... calling to you in the twilight... Don't let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn, place your order today. [I guess mormon author Stephanie Meyer didn't give Tantus Inc. official authorization]
Personally I'm holding out for Chan-Wook Park's Thirst fleshlight. It's shaped like a foot.
Posted by hoorayforme at 12:31 PM 0 comments
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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Avatar teaser trailer, for real this time

Here you go, nerds:


Click here to see it in HD on apple's site

All I can say is that this movie had better be pretty god damn amazing. When has there ever been this much hype about a movie? Snakes on a Plane? I think we all remember how that turned out (awesome).
  1. James Cameron invented a new type of camera that shoots in 3-D for this film. I have mixed feelings about movies in 3-D but the fact remains that he believed his vision wouldn't fit into any existing type of camera.
  2. The teaser trailer (above) had a countdown ticker on apple's website. Jesus.
  3. Sixteen minutes of footage are being screened in Imax theatres all over the place this Friday. Don't worry, you're too late, tickets are all gone. In fact, Fox's website exploded from all the traffic of people trying to get tickets. Tickets to see a commercial. Yeah.
  4. Remember James Cameron's last movie? It was Titanic, which came out in 1997. Remember his last science fiction movie? It was Terminator 2 in 1991. It's been a long time coming. Did we wait almost two decades for Blue Cat People: The Movie?
Anyways, all skepticism aside, this trailer probably looks awesome. I haven't seen it yet, I'm writing this post at 2:30 in the morning while I wait for it to be released at 10.

SPOILER ALERT: This movie's going to trigger some pretty massive waves of furry porn.
Posted by hoorayforme at 11:27 PM 2 comments
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some links i guess: Presented by Mark Hamill, cutie pie

Amazingly, there was a time when ladies hungered for Luke Skywalker's lightsaber. Probably not so much anymore (click image to enlarge, n00bs)

We're back with another exciting installment of some links i guess. How this works is, I put up some links and you go to them. A lot of them won't have anything to do with film, but suck it.

Surprise video after the jump!

This woman won Ukraine's Got Talent by digging in the sand, and it sounds lame but it's actually AWESOME. This is (apparently) the story of how Germany attacked Ukraine in WWII and everybody was sad and blah blah blah.

ENJOY!



Sand is her bitch.
Posted by hoorayforme at 3:05 PM 1 comments
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So apparently vampires are cool again

To answer the tagline's question: Ever.

Twilight, a movie about vampires, was extremely successful this year, and the collective thought that went through Hollywood's hivemind was, of course, "Wow, I now see that vampires have a lot of cinematic potential. Let's focus our energy and make sure not to overdo the amount of vampire-themed movies we produce." Ha! Just kidding, it was actually " SO... Kids like vampires, do they? Well, we can give them vampires. WE CAN GIVE THEM SOME GOD DAMN VAMPIRES! AHAHAHAHAHA! WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE RICH!""

Proof:

Castlevania


It's based on an awesome (except, I am told, the second installment) video game series about a family (The Belmonts) who hate Dracula so they kill him with whips in game after game. Tagline: "DRACULA BEGINS." What are the chances that this will be good? Well, let's see, James Wan is currently attached to direct, who hasn't made a decent movie since Saw, and the amount of good movies based on video games comes up to approximately zero. I'd put the odds of this being decent somewhere on the high end of nothing.

(When it says 'from the director of Resident Evil etc' at the top, that just means that he's producing. He's not directing.)

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant

Watch more AOL Movies videos on AOL Video



From American Pie director Paul Weitz. Hey there John C Reilly! Anyway, this one makes no bones about being a striaght up Twilight cash-in even going as far as borrowing the exact Twilight fas-vampire-blur visual effect, which is pretty lame. I actually read the book by Darren Shan this movie is based on and it was pretty legit, although I was 13 and was still reading R.L. Stine at that point so take that as you will. From the trailer I can't tell if they've taken out the whole subplot about the vampire's pet spider which was actually pretty awesome. I'll see it, but one thing's for sure: JCR had better say "bullshit" and not "bull" in the actual movie or I'm walkin' out.

Daybreakers



I think you'll agree (and if not then whatever) that this is a pretty fresh idea for a vampire movie. Plus it has Willem Defoe as one of the folks with the crossbows. Awesome.

The Vampire Chronicles: The Vampire Lestat


Hey, let's reboot Anne Rice's vampire books! With Robert Downey Junior as a french vampire! Okay! I've never read an Anne Rice book because I am not a lonely sexually unfulfilled housewife. However, I like Robert Downey Jr. so this looks somehow good to me. Anyway, nothing at all has been decided for this yet so don't get your panties in a knot. Or I'll have to untie them. With my tongue. Wait, what did I say?

Priest

Starring Cam Gigandet (who was the bad vampire in Twilight with the stupid hair). It's a comic book movie about a guy who's daughter is stolen away from him by vampires and he chases ater them and blah blah blah I'm bored already. Hey, maybe this movie is a vampire too, because it's clearly going to suck.

Thirst



I saved this one for last because it's the best one out of all of these. Directed by Chan-Wook Park (Who directed Oldboy, Joint Security Area, and Sympathy for Lady Vengeance) Thirst tells the story about a badass vampire priest who bones women and licks their feet. By the way, if you're not a fan of South Korean Cinema you're missing out. Persciption: Watch Shiri, My Sassy Girl, Oldboy, The Host, and Memories of Murder and call me in the morning.

I'm ashamed to admit that I contributed to Twilight's $350 million gross by seeing it in theatres. My reasoning is a) I didn't know it would be so terrible and b) I had to choose between Twilight and Four Christmases.

There's one part where the faggy vampire guy's talking about how evil he is and whatever and he's like "You don't want to see what I'm like in direct sunlight. Trust me, it's horrible" and she's like "No, I do! Show me!" So he starts walking to the sunlight, and I sat forward in my seat because I though it would be something cool, like he turns into a bat or a skeleton or something gross. Guess what happens to twipires when they're in the sunlight? They glitter. Oooooo look, it's a big scary glitter-monster! Kill yourself.

Basically what I'm saying is that if you liked Twilight you're probably stupid.
Posted by hoorayforme at 12:49 PM 0 comments
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