So apparently vampires are cool again

To answer the tagline's question: Ever.

Twilight, a movie about vampires, was extremely successful this year, and the collective thought that went through Hollywood's hivemind was, of course, "Wow, I now see that vampires have a lot of cinematic potential. Let's focus our energy and make sure not to overdo the amount of vampire-themed movies we produce." Ha! Just kidding, it was actually " SO... Kids like vampires, do they? Well, we can give them vampires. WE CAN GIVE THEM SOME GOD DAMN VAMPIRES! AHAHAHAHAHA! WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE RICH!""

Proof:

Castlevania


It's based on an awesome (except, I am told, the second installment) video game series about a family (The Belmonts) who hate Dracula so they kill him with whips in game after game. Tagline: "DRACULA BEGINS." What are the chances that this will be good? Well, let's see, James Wan is currently attached to direct, who hasn't made a decent movie since Saw, and the amount of good movies based on video games comes up to approximately zero. I'd put the odds of this being decent somewhere on the high end of nothing.

(When it says 'from the director of Resident Evil etc' at the top, that just means that he's producing. He's not directing.)

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant

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From American Pie director Paul Weitz. Hey there John C Reilly! Anyway, this one makes no bones about being a striaght up Twilight cash-in even going as far as borrowing the exact Twilight fas-vampire-blur visual effect, which is pretty lame. I actually read the book by Darren Shan this movie is based on and it was pretty legit, although I was 13 and was still reading R.L. Stine at that point so take that as you will. From the trailer I can't tell if they've taken out the whole subplot about the vampire's pet spider which was actually pretty awesome. I'll see it, but one thing's for sure: JCR had better say "bullshit" and not "bull" in the actual movie or I'm walkin' out.

Daybreakers



I think you'll agree (and if not then whatever) that this is a pretty fresh idea for a vampire movie. Plus it has Willem Defoe as one of the folks with the crossbows. Awesome.

The Vampire Chronicles: The Vampire Lestat


Hey, let's reboot Anne Rice's vampire books! With Robert Downey Junior as a french vampire! Okay! I've never read an Anne Rice book because I am not a lonely sexually unfulfilled housewife. However, I like Robert Downey Jr. so this looks somehow good to me. Anyway, nothing at all has been decided for this yet so don't get your panties in a knot. Or I'll have to untie them. With my tongue. Wait, what did I say?

Priest

Starring Cam Gigandet (who was the bad vampire in Twilight with the stupid hair). It's a comic book movie about a guy who's daughter is stolen away from him by vampires and he chases ater them and blah blah blah I'm bored already. Hey, maybe this movie is a vampire too, because it's clearly going to suck.

Thirst



I saved this one for last because it's the best one out of all of these. Directed by Chan-Wook Park (Who directed Oldboy, Joint Security Area, and Sympathy for Lady Vengeance) Thirst tells the story about a badass vampire priest who bones women and licks their feet. By the way, if you're not a fan of South Korean Cinema you're missing out. Persciption: Watch Shiri, My Sassy Girl, Oldboy, The Host, and Memories of Murder and call me in the morning.

I'm ashamed to admit that I contributed to Twilight's $350 million gross by seeing it in theatres. My reasoning is a) I didn't know it would be so terrible and b) I had to choose between Twilight and Four Christmases.

There's one part where the faggy vampire guy's talking about how evil he is and whatever and he's like "You don't want to see what I'm like in direct sunlight. Trust me, it's horrible" and she's like "No, I do! Show me!" So he starts walking to the sunlight, and I sat forward in my seat because I though it would be something cool, like he turns into a bat or a skeleton or something gross. Guess what happens to twipires when they're in the sunlight? They glitter. Oooooo look, it's a big scary glitter-monster! Kill yourself.

Basically what I'm saying is that if you liked Twilight you're probably stupid.